Me? A Parent?

So, it's likely that none of the following is going to come as any surprise to any parent out there, so this is truly not an original post with any kind of original ideas--just my affirmation and acknowledgement of things already presented to me. Really, I should be taking a nap, since I haven't had one today. But it seems like every time I lie down to rest, I get to thinking of these things I think I need to write down.

I definitely can say I did not enter motherhood unwillingly. In fact, being a full-time, stay-at-home mother was my vision for an ideal life from the time I was in college (and probably before). However, dreams don't seem to always be the "ideal" that we envision. Sometimes, however, they do surprise us--like my five-year gig at the country school. I went into it with the attitude that I would enjoy it for a year, but there must be drawbacks. Indeed, I look back and I think about the challenges I faced and can't imagine doing it again. But at the time I knew there was nothing in the world I would rather be doing. Even then I knew it would be a temporary job; I just didn't know how long it would last. But I enjoyed every minute.

My eagerness to abandon school after every 9-month term, along with my satisfaction knowing it was a temporary position concerned me when it came to the idea of having a family. Sure, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but did I really know what that meant? Even the job I loved beyond belief was temporary, able to be declined at contract renewal time if I deemed it desirable. This motherhood thing, I was told, is 24/7. For one, I honestly, truly am not a "kid" person. Despite the risk of sounding like a horrible person, I will leave that explanation for some other time. Suffice it to say that I enjoy being around well-mannered children in small doses and don't enjoy feeling like I either have to raise someone else's kids or bite a hole in my tongue.

That being said, how could I possibly have my own children? I, who shirk at the idea of wiping a poopy butt, shiver and wipe my hand at the contact of teething drool; I, who am prone to grin and say "cute" to the picture of a baby, while thinking it looks the same as the other 10 babies on Facebook? I, who could barely function on 8 hours of straight sleep?

You're probably thinking that it was an incredibly irresponsible decision for someone like me to procreate. Indeed, I had my doubts a long time before the pregnancy.  I saw how tired and drug-out my "mommy" peers were. The discussion of bodily fluids emitted by these tiny creatures scared me. The very idea of labor and giving birth was a combination of some of my worst fears.

But somehow I kept hearing over and over again, "It's different when they're your own." I clung to that idea as we began our journey toward parenthood, and it has rung true, indescribably true.

I knew it was true when they put my crying, gooey baby Matthias in my arms and he became silent, gazing at me. I knew it was true when we brought him home and he began to pee, fountain-style, on the bedspread and I reached my hand up to block the stream. I know it's true at night, when it's the third time I've been up with him and I finally get to sleep, but rather than run back to bed I stand in awe of how indescribably precious he is.

Wow. That got long. Anyway, the whole start of this lengthy post began when I went to take a nap, as Matthias was also sleeping. He made a sweet little "purr" type noise in his sleep, and my heart melted, thinking that, instead of looking forward to a school year ending and getting some "me" time, I can look forward to every new thing I'll learn about him as he grows, all the challenges and changes we face, and remember that each challenge is temporary. Someday he'll sleep through the night; but by then he won't be tiny like this. Someday he'll talk, but he'll no longer coo and smile his toothless grin. I remind myself of this at 2 a.m. when I'm feeding him...that every day I do this is one less day to enjoy a tiny baby and one step toward enjoying an older child. Despite the challenges, each stage must be enjoyed to its fullest.